This past year for me happened to be like a downward spiral. Many people have used this verbiage to describe this past year for Britney. As different as we are, I feel like there are some similarities betwixt our situations.
My big return to Phoenix has turned out much like Brit-Brits return to television at the VMA’s. She worked really hard to please everyone, and got on stage, and what happened? She was criticised for her inability to perform at the same level she had prior to her life falling apart? What scrutiny she dealt with. On a much smaller scale, however, I have felt the effects of this microscope. Back at work I feel like I have to be better than I was. NEWS FLASH, I am not better. I am in the process of getting better, but I am worse. I feel worse on a daily basis than ever before in my life. I feel like I lost control of everything. My finances, my job performance, my friendships, my weight, my living situation- and now even my parking space.
My living situation right now has been seemingly impossible. Every morning I wake up to NPR loud enough to make out the words from my bedroom. Even if I am already awake when it starts it gives me a headache. I have never been able to stomach talk radio. I talk on the phone all day every day- the last thing I want to hear at home is more people talking about things I don’t care about. The things I do care about I look up on my google reader. So as of late, I have been arriving to work in a foul mood.
Ugh- even right now my internet has been faltering. The Cox bill is $90 a month- you would think I’d get a little better signal.
Anyways- back to my debut… I have been pretty much in hiding. I try to stay away from the paparazzi, you know, anywhere hip. I don’t get my coffee at Lux anymore because I don’t want to see anyone I know. It’s sad really- but I feel like a disappointment. Even a prior romantic encounter told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore because of my weight. That just made me want to cry, and thinking about it still does. Why did I put up with that? I am not sure. I have been going to the gym religiously for the past five months trying to overcome that feeling- but it isn’t working. I guess I got insecure. That has never been like me. I have always known where I stand, and I guess I am trying to get that back in little ways. I don’t want others in my space and I need my space defined. I am not ready for another first date. Another power struggle. Getting to know someone. I need to get to know myself better first.
I have been on about 5 first dates in the past month. Trying to ‘get back out there’- you know. All it’s been though, so far, is a free dinner and couple of drinks. I am guarded now. I am not sure the relevancy of this, maybe it is just a rant. I mean, all of these guys have been very nice. They are all people I have known for a while. Maybe they are put back by the new me… wondering who this stress ball of a woman is… where’s that girl from last year who had a 750+ credit score and an almost paid off 2008 Convertible? She is long gone. Now she is stumbling across stage Lip Syncing Gimme More while thinking about how she’s had too much and could not handle even just one more. I need to get this figured out, and quick, before I destroy everything and everyone. I mean shit- my best friend is in the next room probably thinking about how he cannot stand me and hates my guts. That is not the look I was going for.
Well- Britney Made a bit of a comeback last week- after quite some time of working on herself and figuring things out. Maybe this new year will be my comeback. At least now I know it’s possilble.
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